My old, old,old, old (four bosses ago) boss used to say that after July 4th your summer is over. I hate that he said that because I always dread July 4th and I always feel like my summer is over - this year is no different. I'm so tired of having anxiety about my job. Currently, I have no reason to have anxiety, I mean I did just get a new boss and I have had 4 bosses in the past two years (hopefully this one will work out) but so far things are going ok. I just constantly work myself up into a frenzy for no good reason. I used to have great reason, previously 2 out of the past 4 were torturing me and one had a small addiction problem. The most recent one was fabulous - we'll see how the new guy works out, but I guess I'm a little gun shy to say the least and now have constant anxiety, which I hate. BEH.
All the constant thinking certainly takes it's toll on me, I'm either super tired or unable to sleep - I need a happy medium. This past week I got my fat butt back to the gym, it felt good and actually helps change my perspective on the day - I need to stick with it and I need to get there today!
I planted a garden and I've been able to pick a few things from it. I love gardening and wish my yard was a bit bigger and I could have a larger garden in a nicer spot, but for now I'm psyched I picked some peppers and broccoli raab. If I had my way I think I'd retire and become a farmer. Hang out with puppy and some plants all day and I'd be happy as a clam.
Well I've posted nothing earth shattering, but I wanted to check in. I'm sure the rain is only adding to my sluggish demeanor - maybe the gym will give me a pick me up.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Lazy
I'm off today and as always I struggle getting anything accomplished. I always have all these big plans and then next think I know it's noon and nothing is done. I emptied the dishwasher and washed a shirt. I have a list of things to do a mile hight and those two things were rather insignificant on the list. Oh well, at least I'm consistent.
I've got to start eating healthier, I can't stand my weight any longer and I can't stand the way I feel. I also can't stand that every time I try to change my diet something f's it up. I have to be better and I have to have more willpower. Hubby's constant focus on food doesn't help the situation. We get out of bed in the morning and he's already wondering what we're having for dinner.
Anyway, just thought I'd check in, bitch and moan a bit and then be on my way to trying to get something done. Beh
I've got to start eating healthier, I can't stand my weight any longer and I can't stand the way I feel. I also can't stand that every time I try to change my diet something f's it up. I have to be better and I have to have more willpower. Hubby's constant focus on food doesn't help the situation. We get out of bed in the morning and he's already wondering what we're having for dinner.
Anyway, just thought I'd check in, bitch and moan a bit and then be on my way to trying to get something done. Beh
Monday, June 9, 2008
Hello
Well, it's been a very long time. Too long. I've been so very busy with life.
To update it was not a sprain for puppy it was a torn ligament which required surgery; which came close to putting me over the edge. It's taken a lot out of me that's for sure. Not allowing a hyper dog to walk - not an easy task. Luckily he's made it through rather well and while he is still rehabbing, he seems to be doing well. He's taken quite nicely to being carried everywhere and the hair has even started to grow back on his little leg! I love that dog.
School was crazy. It all came to a big giant crescendo at the end of the semester culminating with a huge test that was a 12 hour ordeal. I still don't know if I passed, if you believe in a higher power pray for me on that one. It I passed I get to move onto my dissertation which means that my coursework is completed and I'll be ABD. Very exciting and I can't believe how quickly time went by.
Work - work is work. I didn't get the job, actually I didn't even get an interview so I'm not sure if I can even say I didn't get it, because I never had a chance really. They wanted someone with their doctorate already in hand. Damn me for starting things too late. There is always next time I guess. I just pray that the new "boss" isn't as bad as the past two have been. I'm not sure if I can take another bad work situation. He starts July 1 so we'll see how that goes.
For the most part the anxiety has subsided. I still have little bits of it when I'm under a lot of stress but for now, I seem to have it under control. I just needed for the academic year to end and for the dog to get better. When too many things are out of whack in your life I think you just start not being able to cope appropriately. I'm pretty sure that's where I was. My personal life was f'd up, my professional life was f'd up and anything that I would do to relax (walk the dog), was f'd up too. To many f'd up things made for one crazy me. I'm glad it's over and, hey, I survived.
I planted a vegetable garden today, I hope it grows. I've been trying to be a bit more "green" lately and having my own veggies seemed like the local thing to do. I've always planted tomatoes, herbs, cucumbers and squash, but this year I've added beets, carrots, broccoli, peas, lettuce and green beans to the mix. I'm hopeful - we'll see.
The weather has gone from normal to heat wave in a matter of days. It's been ridiculously hot for the beginning of June. We've hit a 100 for 3 days in a row. Seems a bit crazy to me.
I'm hopeful this summer will be relaxing, I'm hoping I will enjoy not having to take class for the first time in 2 years. I'm hoping my new boss will not be an asshole. I'm hoping I can get my kitchen done, and therefore, my house will be complete. I'm hoping my life will fall a little bit more together this summer so that I can catch my breath and get back to being me.
To update it was not a sprain for puppy it was a torn ligament which required surgery; which came close to putting me over the edge. It's taken a lot out of me that's for sure. Not allowing a hyper dog to walk - not an easy task. Luckily he's made it through rather well and while he is still rehabbing, he seems to be doing well. He's taken quite nicely to being carried everywhere and the hair has even started to grow back on his little leg! I love that dog.
School was crazy. It all came to a big giant crescendo at the end of the semester culminating with a huge test that was a 12 hour ordeal. I still don't know if I passed, if you believe in a higher power pray for me on that one. It I passed I get to move onto my dissertation which means that my coursework is completed and I'll be ABD. Very exciting and I can't believe how quickly time went by.
Work - work is work. I didn't get the job, actually I didn't even get an interview so I'm not sure if I can even say I didn't get it, because I never had a chance really. They wanted someone with their doctorate already in hand. Damn me for starting things too late. There is always next time I guess. I just pray that the new "boss" isn't as bad as the past two have been. I'm not sure if I can take another bad work situation. He starts July 1 so we'll see how that goes.
For the most part the anxiety has subsided. I still have little bits of it when I'm under a lot of stress but for now, I seem to have it under control. I just needed for the academic year to end and for the dog to get better. When too many things are out of whack in your life I think you just start not being able to cope appropriately. I'm pretty sure that's where I was. My personal life was f'd up, my professional life was f'd up and anything that I would do to relax (walk the dog), was f'd up too. To many f'd up things made for one crazy me. I'm glad it's over and, hey, I survived.
I planted a vegetable garden today, I hope it grows. I've been trying to be a bit more "green" lately and having my own veggies seemed like the local thing to do. I've always planted tomatoes, herbs, cucumbers and squash, but this year I've added beets, carrots, broccoli, peas, lettuce and green beans to the mix. I'm hopeful - we'll see.
The weather has gone from normal to heat wave in a matter of days. It's been ridiculously hot for the beginning of June. We've hit a 100 for 3 days in a row. Seems a bit crazy to me.
I'm hopeful this summer will be relaxing, I'm hoping I will enjoy not having to take class for the first time in 2 years. I'm hoping my new boss will not be an asshole. I'm hoping I can get my kitchen done, and therefore, my house will be complete. I'm hoping my life will fall a little bit more together this summer so that I can catch my breath and get back to being me.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Been a Long Time
Well it's been a terribly long time since I was last here. I find that when I come here it is in times of high stress. Needless to say that is where I'm at in my life right now. As usual I'm behind on work, over worked and a ball of anxiety and stress. I used to think things would be so great when I "grew up" I'd have money, a house, a dog, a husband, and an education. I should have listened to my mom, the more you know and the more you have the less you want to know and the less you want to have.
I wish I could put into words what I'm feeling right now, I think anxious works - but not in a good way. I'm not anticipatory, I'm anxious in the sense that I have an extreme amount of anxiety. Anxiety to the put that at times it has become debilitating. Anxiety in the form that I can't leave my house without driving home 3 times to make sure I've locked the door or unplugged the iron. Anxiety that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Anxiety with I don't want to talk to people because I don't want information and I don't want to give information. I feel crippled by it right now - I'm crippled by my thoughts, I'm unable to get things accomplished, I'm scatter brained, unfocused and sick. It's terrible.
I feel like if I could just get one thing taken care of everything else will fall into place. Right now I'm hinging that one thing on puppy. He seems to have sprained his ankle (I hope) about a month ago. After SEVERAL visits to the vet, having x-rays, administering pain relievers and anti-inflammatory and yet constant re-injuring we're seeing a specialist this week. It's taken two weeks to get him into this specialist and during that time he's gotten better then worse, then better then worse. We've had more worse then better in the last week and to hear your dog yelp (not so far today) and then hold his little leg up has been heart wrenching for me. As anyone who has read here before, I love my dog so much and he's my life and I feel like I can't focus on mine until I have some definites on my little guy. It just pains me that he's in pain and there is nothing I can do about it. He is a high energy little pooch who loved to go for long walks and run in his yard who is now afraid to go outside because he might hurt his leg again. It's terrible and I'm devastated and mostly I'm praying that the specialist will diagnose the problem and we can help the little guy get better for good. I'm on edge every time the dog gets up to move, which I know he senses and only adds to his anxiety. Anxiety is obviously the word of the day and this paragraph should probably be separated at some point and the run on sentence's corrected; it's not happening though so if it bothers you then stop reading now.
OK, I feel a little better that I typed all this out, I'm debating if I should wake the pooch soon so I can drive him somewhere at 11:15 at night to try to get him to go to the bathroom outside. The past two days, he's gone in the house when it gets so bad he has to go - please understand those times I've tried dozens of times to take him out, I've carried him out set him down and he just sits there and shakes b/c he's scared to be outside. It's been horrible - just horrible. I don't care that he's gone in the house, I just clean it up and carry him back to where ever he was laying, mostly I'm just happy that he's gone to the bathroom. We're talking about a dog that has gone to the bathroom 5x a day - and has been reduced to 2x a day once outside and once in the house. Please note he's still eating, drinking etc - he's just scared of hurting his little leg. I think he wants to be wild and crazy at times, but has been under constant supervision to not run jump etc. so as not to hurt his leg again. The specialist visit can't come soon enough. OK back to my paper and maybe some dog carrying and hopefully having him go to the bathroom outside. What my life has been reduced too.
I wish I could put into words what I'm feeling right now, I think anxious works - but not in a good way. I'm not anticipatory, I'm anxious in the sense that I have an extreme amount of anxiety. Anxiety to the put that at times it has become debilitating. Anxiety in the form that I can't leave my house without driving home 3 times to make sure I've locked the door or unplugged the iron. Anxiety that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Anxiety with I don't want to talk to people because I don't want information and I don't want to give information. I feel crippled by it right now - I'm crippled by my thoughts, I'm unable to get things accomplished, I'm scatter brained, unfocused and sick. It's terrible.
I feel like if I could just get one thing taken care of everything else will fall into place. Right now I'm hinging that one thing on puppy. He seems to have sprained his ankle (I hope) about a month ago. After SEVERAL visits to the vet, having x-rays, administering pain relievers and anti-inflammatory and yet constant re-injuring we're seeing a specialist this week. It's taken two weeks to get him into this specialist and during that time he's gotten better then worse, then better then worse. We've had more worse then better in the last week and to hear your dog yelp (not so far today) and then hold his little leg up has been heart wrenching for me. As anyone who has read here before, I love my dog so much and he's my life and I feel like I can't focus on mine until I have some definites on my little guy. It just pains me that he's in pain and there is nothing I can do about it. He is a high energy little pooch who loved to go for long walks and run in his yard who is now afraid to go outside because he might hurt his leg again. It's terrible and I'm devastated and mostly I'm praying that the specialist will diagnose the problem and we can help the little guy get better for good. I'm on edge every time the dog gets up to move, which I know he senses and only adds to his anxiety. Anxiety is obviously the word of the day and this paragraph should probably be separated at some point and the run on sentence's corrected; it's not happening though so if it bothers you then stop reading now.
OK, I feel a little better that I typed all this out, I'm debating if I should wake the pooch soon so I can drive him somewhere at 11:15 at night to try to get him to go to the bathroom outside. The past two days, he's gone in the house when it gets so bad he has to go - please understand those times I've tried dozens of times to take him out, I've carried him out set him down and he just sits there and shakes b/c he's scared to be outside. It's been horrible - just horrible. I don't care that he's gone in the house, I just clean it up and carry him back to where ever he was laying, mostly I'm just happy that he's gone to the bathroom. We're talking about a dog that has gone to the bathroom 5x a day - and has been reduced to 2x a day once outside and once in the house. Please note he's still eating, drinking etc - he's just scared of hurting his little leg. I think he wants to be wild and crazy at times, but has been under constant supervision to not run jump etc. so as not to hurt his leg again. The specialist visit can't come soon enough. OK back to my paper and maybe some dog carrying and hopefully having him go to the bathroom outside. What my life has been reduced too.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I'm hopeful everyone had a wonderful Turkey Day. I did, but I'm dreading the fact that the what was supposed to be a very long weekend is quickly coming to a close. I've been off since Wednesday and it feels as though today is my first day off. I think spending exorbitant amounts of time with your family does that to you; you need a vacation from your vacation.
I've noticed my father speaks at a low scream now. It takes every ounce of strength I can muster to not say, "Dad, please for the love of God SHUT UP!" I know he's not trying to be a jerk or talk loud but he is, he does, and it is driving me up a wall. I guess at 57 he's maybe losing his hearing a bit. I want to tell him to use his inside voice, but I know that will offend him, so I'm trying to be non-offensive, but my ears can't take it anymore.
I've also noticed that if we don't get the kitchen in our house done soon I may have to kill someone. With everyone standing in my kitchen I realize how crowded it is and I realize that again it takes all my effort not to scream OK everyone GET OUT - so I can cook. I realize people are trying to help, but it's too small people are bumping into each other and sometimes I can't wait to get to the stove because then my omelets will burn. My omelets burned this morning and I'm bitter about it.
I guess I've ranted enough and what I should really be doing is getting my Christmas tree up - I know I know, it's a fake one, I put up one fake one and one real one which we will be purchasing next weekend at my parents house in PA, yay more family time. Gosh the terrible thing is I love them, but I feel I need a little break from them. Alright up to the attic I go - enjoy the weekend!
I've noticed my father speaks at a low scream now. It takes every ounce of strength I can muster to not say, "Dad, please for the love of God SHUT UP!" I know he's not trying to be a jerk or talk loud but he is, he does, and it is driving me up a wall. I guess at 57 he's maybe losing his hearing a bit. I want to tell him to use his inside voice, but I know that will offend him, so I'm trying to be non-offensive, but my ears can't take it anymore.
I've also noticed that if we don't get the kitchen in our house done soon I may have to kill someone. With everyone standing in my kitchen I realize how crowded it is and I realize that again it takes all my effort not to scream OK everyone GET OUT - so I can cook. I realize people are trying to help, but it's too small people are bumping into each other and sometimes I can't wait to get to the stove because then my omelets will burn. My omelets burned this morning and I'm bitter about it.
I guess I've ranted enough and what I should really be doing is getting my Christmas tree up - I know I know, it's a fake one, I put up one fake one and one real one which we will be purchasing next weekend at my parents house in PA, yay more family time. Gosh the terrible thing is I love them, but I feel I need a little break from them. Alright up to the attic I go - enjoy the weekend!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Head Start
I left work early today to come home and try to get the house clean before hubby gets home. Needless to say it is not clean, but I have made some progress. I've done about 4 loads of laundry and folded and put it away, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the bathroom and half cleaned the other two bedrooms. I've decided to move on to the downstairs and managed to dust one table, but then went to the other table and guess what is on top of it - the laptop. So I figured I'd get up a quick blog.
I know I've said this a million times before but I hate paper. I hate paper because there are always piles of it laying around. Junk mail, bills, bills to be filed, classwork for me, work I've brought home, work hubby has brought home, newspapers -the list goes on. I can't tell you how much paper I've put into recyling, thrown away or put in the pile of paper to burn, I swear it overtakes my life. I freaking hate paper.
Oooh I forgot to mention I also went to the grocery store. Want to know a great time to go to the grocery store? Friday night. There were no lines anywhere, I was the only person at the deli counter and there were no lines in the check out. It was wonderful and I may have to do it more often.
Puppy is curled up in his little puppy bed. It actually is his bed from when he was a puppy so being as he is a dog now he doesn't fit so well. But he's trying and he's just freaking adorable. I love that dog. Well I guess I should get back to cleaning. Hope all is well with everyone.
I know I've said this a million times before but I hate paper. I hate paper because there are always piles of it laying around. Junk mail, bills, bills to be filed, classwork for me, work I've brought home, work hubby has brought home, newspapers -the list goes on. I can't tell you how much paper I've put into recyling, thrown away or put in the pile of paper to burn, I swear it overtakes my life. I freaking hate paper.
Oooh I forgot to mention I also went to the grocery store. Want to know a great time to go to the grocery store? Friday night. There were no lines anywhere, I was the only person at the deli counter and there were no lines in the check out. It was wonderful and I may have to do it more often.
Puppy is curled up in his little puppy bed. It actually is his bed from when he was a puppy so being as he is a dog now he doesn't fit so well. But he's trying and he's just freaking adorable. I love that dog. Well I guess I should get back to cleaning. Hope all is well with everyone.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
IF I could not get on the computer in the AM.............
I would be to work on time, and by on time I mean 9am like, I assume, much of the rest of the world. I just get sucked in every morning. Does it count that I do check all my work e-mails and respond to most before 9am? I just hate doing things by others time schedule. I like to wake up when my body tells me to wake up. I like to take a shower when I feel like taking a shower. I like to get dressed when I feel like getting dressed. I like to get to work when I feel like getting to work. It's not that I don't get my work done and I do work strange hours (I often get calls at 2am where I need to get up and work), it's I like to do things on my time table not the time table of others. I realize the world doesn't work that way, but I sure wish it did.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)